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Life Transitions Require Agility

A few years ago I resigned from my teaching position. It was a very difficult decision. I had loved the students and staff in the district and put my heart and soul into my teaching every day. I even loved the naughty kids, well some of them. It wasn’t until I officially resigned that I realized I had identified strongly as a teacher and when I wasn’t physically teaching I felt worthless. Essentially, I think I had a mild identity crisis, but through this I learned the key to transitioning into motherhood: agility.

Grief

I happen to be an ambitious gal, but motherhood showed me that I was holding onto my old self with white knuckles. I realize now that my feelings were ones of grief. I was grieving my old life and identity, as if I was grieving an actual person. What’s funny, is that any abrupt change throughout one’s life requires you to grieve, but rarely are we allowed this when it’s not an actual person, and especially when you’re a new mother. I was left feeling unworthy of being a mother, since I was still grieving my old life, when the very core of my being had completely changed. 

Acceptance

Then, all of a sudden I reached acceptance. I saw how beautiful my little world had magically erupted into and I began to see my new role as mother and a new career take over. It’s of course not all “rainbows and butterflies” as they say, but teaching wasn’t either! I only remember the good times, not the day to day grueling grind of teaching 150 middle school students and the hour commute on top of that. My life now has morphed into a less stressful, more grounded, happier, and simplified existence. 

Strength in Failure

Culturally us women usually end up being caretakers of babies, the elderly, or even rowdy teenagers in a classroom. I think this builds strength, not weakness. The agility to quickly change directions and continue to live a life of purpose no matter what the game of life throws at you is an amazing feat.

Motherhood in many cases strips a woman of her career identification, even if it is for a short period of time. One day you are a teacher and the next you are at home with a crying baby all day. Both are extremely important jobs, but there is a transition there that I never saw coming. I never knew I would grieve my career and that the key to transitioning into mother hood would be so hard to grasp. 

Feeling confident in the day’s tasks, the success of a well planned lesson, teaching a new literacy skill, or even de-escalating a behavior issue, were all tasks I execute efficiently. Motherhood threw me abruptly into repeated failure every day, and I hadn’t felt that type of raw personal defeat ever before.

However, everyone knows that failure builds resilience. I don’t know a single mother who isn’t resilient. You have to be. No sport, job, or challenge has ever been so personal. 

Agility in Life

The lesson I learned through this repeated failure was agility and resilience. I just recently read Emotional Agility by Dr. Susan David. In her book, she discusses the importance of emotional agility and how it begins with the ability to feel your emotions. Decipher where the emotion originates, and then instead of bottling up and suppressing it, accept it.

I always think of the word “agility” with one of my favorite sports: soccer. If you have agility, you have the ability to prance around other teams, dominate the game, and wait for the opportune moment to penetrate the defensive line. Essentially, you make the other team work really hard to keep up with you, because you’re never predictable and always creative. Agility of your emotions can operate the same way.  You bend and pull with what life gives you and accept what can’t be changed, while waiting patiently for the opportune moment.

In the book The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday he references Jogoro Kano the founder of Judo, the first Japanese martial art. One of the ways his opponents described him was like “fighting against an empty jacket” (Holiday). If the challenge of life is the opponent, then you will be the empty jacket, allowing the inevitable conflicts to arise and using agility to switch directions, accept, and overcome. You’ll make life’s struggles work for you.

Agility Over “Success”

This is perhaps the precise lesson women need. Think about the big transitions women make like entering into motherhood, marriage, leadership positions, divorce, career changes, empty nests, loss of loved ones, or retirement. To increase productivity, creatively solve work-life balance, or manage a household you need agility.

Many mothers, like myself, are opting for the “flex-life,” a term used to describe women who have one foot in a career and one foot in motherhood. Many days seem run by flexibility, multi-tasking, and compromise. One moment I’m on the phone with my boss, while simultaneously taking my daughter to the bathroom. The next I’m scarfing the rest of my daughter’s PB and J sandwich quickly sending emails before she gets up from her nap. I’ve even said the words “I feel like a fraud,” both at work and at home.

However, focusing on agility allows you to bend and flex with life’s challenges. Perhaps life at home is too demanding so you add in a few hours of childcare, or you cut back on work hours,  or you resign and finish your degree. Having agility means focusing on the solutions, not focusing on the failures. Define success personally. Don’t follow a life trajectory forced on you by a company, family, or culture. 

3 Ways to Find Agility As a New Mother

Make Mom Friends

This is perhaps the best piece of advice I could give to any new mom. It is very difficult to navigate motherhood without those who are in it, or have been. Find mom friends! I’m not talking about your friends from high school who watch their nieces and nephews sometimes. Those friends come in handy, when you want to forget you are a mom…:)  I’m talking about the mom down the street who looks like a hot mess getting her kids in the car, or your co-worker who has two kids that are both in school, or a single mom, because God knows those moms are super human!

My mom friends suggest when I need more childcare, provide emotional support, give parenting strategies, and get me out of the house. They give more wisdom on the demands of motherhood than any book or podcast. Motherhood can be lonely. Cultivate friendships to build agility.

Get Rest

I tell every new dad I meet that the single most important task he has is to allow the mother to sleep as much as possible. This advice first given to me by the above mentioned mom friend of mine. 🙂 Sleep deprivation is real, and will make anyone crazy. Obviously, there are going to be those nights in the early days where you won’t get any sleep, but as you get into a routine, try to prioritize sleep as much as possible. Set boundaries and make routines.

Practice Yoga 

Wait until your doctor gives you the okay to exercise, and start “low and slow.” Yoga is a great “low impact” and “slow moving” exercise, specifically good for new moms physically and mentally. Be gentle. Your body just went through trauma.

I recently wrote another blog post about the benefits of a yoga practice. One of the benefits I wrote about was the improvement of flexibility both mentally and physically. Any yogi will say that a flexible body reflects a flexible mind as well. Flexibility of the mind means looking at situations in a different perspective, letting go of expectations, being grateful, and ultimately creatively solving life’s puzzles. It helps me solve: childcare options, debt, work-life balance, family obligations, and career transitions.

Final Words

Know that everything has it’s season (also advice given to me from a mom friend). Children develop quickly, and a challenge you had a few months ago will cease to exist in the future. It won’t be like this forever. Accept your current state, but know that there will be a time where you won’t be so exhausted. You will return to your career, or start a hobby, or get out of the house. 🙂 

Recently I went on a trip with my own mother and I was gone for 8 days from my home. I have a 2 ½ year old daughter “full of life” A.K.A. “frequently in time-out.” My dad and my husband held down the fort while I was gone. My husband told me he kept thinking as the week progressed “how does she do it?” I think this of my single parent friends. I have no idea how they do it. however,  I do know for sure they are building resilience and at the opportune moment will have the agility to overcome any obstacle.

Join the Discussion

Where in your life could you have more agility?  How could compromise help you reach your goals? Where have you been unwilling to be flexible?

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